Pretty cool: Bill Simmons and Jay Kang talking about a Renegade Basketball League [Archive]

coolz

10-06-2011, 09:42 AM

Can you imagine a league of only 8 teams?

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Anaheim Activision Call of Duty: Modern Warfare (no. 1 seed)
Kobe, LeBron, Steph Curry, Nene, Tyson Chandler

That's a borderline juggernaut. Especially when Kobe flies everyone to Italy right before the season to rejuvenate their knee joints by genetically screening them, treating their blood, then culturing that blood with chemicals and re-injecting it back into their knees, because this sounds totally legal and not like blood doping at all.

Hartford Lux Bond & Green (no. 2 seed)
Wade, Howard, Aldridge, Gay, Ibaka

They're too big upfront, but we could address that pretty easily in Rounds 6 and 7 by grabbing a point guard (Tony Parker?) and second swing guy (James Harden?). Unrelated: I love that Parker didn't get picked. It's like the entire renegade league did a silent protest in Brent Barry's honor. Also, how great would an Anaheim-Hartford Finals be? Wade and Howard vs. Kobe and LeBron? And wouldn't NBC Sports go nuts for a (90 Minutes From) New York vs. (50 Minutes From) Los Angeles Finals? That could be (not really that) HUGE ratings!

Kansas City Klondike Bars (no. 3 seed)
Rose, Amar'e, Horford, Pierce, Ray Allen

Our most complete team from a position-by-position standpoint. Couldn't you see Pierce thriving for the Klondike Bars with all the Jayhawks fans screaming for him? And Kang, can you believe how seamlessly I'm working Grantland's sponsors into this column? This doesn't feel forced at all!

Seattle's Best (no. 4 seed)
Durant, Z-Bo, Rondo, Marc Gasol, Ellis

You screwed them over with your last pick. Should have taken Danny Granger. Chad Ford is giving you an "F" in his report card tomorrow, Kang. Anyway, I am excited to (a) watch this team, (b) reunite Gasol and Z-Bo, (c) call a professional sports team "Seattle's Best," and (d) reunite Durant with Seattle. You hear that, David Stern? We're reuniting Durant with Seattle! Don't you point your finger at me! I'm not your child!!!

Pittsburgh Five-Dollar Footlongs (no. 5 seed)
Dirk, Nash, Josh Smith, Gordon, Cousins

Weird team. I don't love the pieces as a whole, although I like them separately and the Dirk/Nash reunion makes me so happy that I don't know what to do with myself. To be honest, I'm afraid to put these guys in Pittsburgh because that sneaky Canuck Nash might undermine the team's Pittsburgh relationship (a la Sienna Miller a few years ago) in a nefarious attempt to move them to Vancouver after four games. Always be careful of Nash. I wouldn't be surprised if Jared Dudley filed for dual Canadian citizenship soon — Nash is to Canada what Tom Cruise is to Scientology.

San Jose Intel Core i7's (no. 6 seed)
Carmelo, Deron, Bynum, Joe Johnson, Lamar Odom

This group leaves me cold for some reason. They need a little more personality. Kind of like Silicon Valley. I'm excited for these uniforms, though. And for the $375,000-per-game courtside seats. It doesn't ultimately matter if this team wins or loses, their attendance money will be funding most of the league.

Baltimore Barbasol (no. 7 seed)
Blake, CP3, Ginobili, Chris Bosh, Millsap

Too small for my liking, although that's not stopping me from being excited for their alley-oops and their marketing campaign. Blake Griffin, you're looking good. Handsome, free and tall. Close shave, America. The Baltimore Barbasol. By the way, I thought about naming this team "The Baltimore Netflix Qwiksters," but Netflix will be bankrupt by the time this league starts.

Las Vegas Lexus (no. 8 seed)
Westbrook, Love, Pau Gasol, Igoudala, John Wall

For comedy purposes, and for the sake of the sports-blog industry, it's crucial that we put our youngest team in the city with the most distractions. I see them swinging a big "Gasol for Cousins and cash" trade midway through the season, then things really falling apart, somebody eventually going missing and everything ending with a humiliating relegation and possibly someone losing a thumb.

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